Dreaming

Ug.

I have not been sleeping well.

And I so love to sleep.  

Ever since I can remember, I have had seriously vivid dreams. And rarely, if ever, can you call them "sweet".

My dreams usually have a few themes.

1. My mom hasn't died yet, but I know it's coming and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
2. Crashing planes. I may not be actually on it, just see it happen.
3. Fighting with Jamey.
4. Something bad happening to the kids.
5. Christmas is here and not only have I not decorated, I haven't bought ANYTHING for the kids and all the stores are about to close. (<- This one has been persistent lately. If it doesn't stop I am going to decorate the living daylights out of this house in the next week or so. Forget Thanksgiving....)

I used to dream about high school ALL THE FREAKING TIME, but luckily that has stopped.

My nights usually consist of me going to bed at a decent time, but then about an hour and a half later getting up so I don't bother Jamey with my constant tossing and turning. I go downstairs and play on the computer or play on my phone.  Watch Hulu.

I think the problem I really have with not being able to sleep is that I know the problem is ME.  I am my own worst enemy.  I can't shut my brain off and stop worrying. 

Everyone has problems. Myself included. And whether they are real problems are problems we have exaggerated in our heads, our worlds tend to revolve around those problems. 

My brothers' favorite thing to say to me is that you cannot change anything by worrying about it. 

Matthew 6:25-34 

Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment? Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature? ...

I don't know why it is that I felt the need to try to write about this today.  It's not in anyway something that will change the world by any means.  I guess I just want it out there so that if anyone else is going through the same thing, I can say, "You are not alone." 

I am at home today, trying to clean the house so I can feel like a responsible adult/wife/parent (and really because we need clean towels...) trying to tune out that little voice in my head telling me to lie down and take a nap.

Hey. I'm only human.